Cocaine-Dusted Bearclaws

Archer is back and … back to normal. After last season’s complete departure (to mixed reviews) from the typical super spy plotlines to the crazy drug-selling, country music-singing Archer Vice, the team is back in the office. The office that has been painstakingly remodeled to look exactly like the old one (with the exception of Krieger and Pam’s secret jacuzzi).

Just like the rest of the show, our favorite Human Resources Manager is back to normal too. Off the crack and back onto food, Pam has plumped back up to her normal, wonderful self. To honor her, I’ve made some cocaine-dusted bearclaws.

Funny thing about bearclaws is … they are stupid-complicated. I’ve simplified the shit out of the recipe so people will actually make them. It’s not like we’ve all got a Woodhouse shuffling about, making us eggs. Or functioning alcoholic moms willing to grill us a cheese. So the filling, you just dump shit in a food processor and turn it on. The dough is store-bought and then you just top it with other shit. So easy, Cheryl could probably handle it. Probably.

If you want some more Pam Poovey, be sure to check out my Shit Snacks and Green Russians. If you can’t tell, I might have a bit of a crush on the Poov. Sploosh.

Editor’s Note: Below is the recipe as it appeared on HoboTrashcan.com.

Cocaine-Dusted Bearclaws
for filling
½ cup sweetened shredded coconut
½ cup almond pieces
¼ cup brown sugar
1 cup spice cake, crumbled*
1 egg
2 tbsp almond milk
2 tbsp butter, softened

for rolls
2 sheets of puff pastry
flour for dusting
½ cup slivered almonds
1 egg
2 tbsp almond milk

for icing and cocaine
1½ cups powdered sugar, divided
3 tbsp almond milk

Preheat oven to 375°. Line 2 baking sheets with parchment paper.

Using a food processor, pulse all of the filling ingredients until they are fully incorporated. Set aside.

Whisk together an egg and 2 tbsp almond milk. Set aside.

Lightly flour surface and pull out a sheet of puff pastry. Roll it out to be a 10” square. (It’s almost there.) Using a pizza cutter, cut into 4- 5” squares.

Spoon 2 tbsp filling about an inch up from the bottom of each square. Using a pastry brush, wet the edges with the egg mixture. Fold the dough over the filling and press to close. Using a knife, cut three slits in the dough (to create the CLAWS). Place on parchment paper and pull the spine into a bit of a curve to separate each claw.

Brush the top of each bearclaw with the egg mixture and sprinkle with slivered almonds.

Bake for 16-20 minutes (until golden brown). Remove and let cool.

Meanwhile, blend together 1 cup powdered sugar and 3 tbsp almond milk. Drizzle over each bearclaw. Sift with remaining powdered sugar over the top to finish.

*You can just use any store-bought spice cake or coffee cake. Little Debbie, Entemann’s, Tastykake, whatever. Personally, I used a cake mix, nice and simple. You’ll just need the mix, eggs, water and oil. Just follow the instructions on the back. You can bake them in two loaf pans, then frost the second one and give it someone … pretend you care!