Life Cycle of an Aqua Teen

Aqua Teen Hunger Force has a strange place in my life. Much like flatulence, my reaction to it is dependent on my mood. If I’m in a bad mood, I don’t find it funny but rather an annoying nuisance on the world. If I’m in a good mood, it’s the funniest fucking thing that could possibly happen… like, ever.

Regardless of my mood, the show has something deep and psychological to offer. No, seriously. As adults, we’ve all cycled through the life stages that each character so uncannily represents. It’s not even a stretch, it’s just out there for the taking, check it out.

Meatwad: Remember being young and naive? Believing everything your older brother (or milkshake roommate) tells you. Having all of the adorable qualities of a blob of ground meat? Yeaahh. Meatwad represents our adolescence. When everything is a wondrous adventure.

I’m gonna start dropping F-bombs. Listen to this: fart you, fard head! -Meatwad

Master Shake: When you grow up and haven’t quite figured shit out yet, you become a bit of an asshole. Shake is you in your late teens/early 20’s. You can deny it all you want, but you were exactly like Shake. Selfish and lazy, you do anything to take the easy way out. You’re constantly defying authority figures and torturing your younger ground beef roommate… because you like to assert the tiny bit of knowledge and dominance you have over the only person who’s little and innocent enough to take it.

Look, there’s only one way to get across the street. You close your eyes and waltz out there with complete disregard for machine. -Master Shake

Frylock: Frylock is seasoned. He’s had enough life experiences that he doesn’t feel the need to partake in childish games. He is authoritative and takes on a protective role for those who need it. He is you now. Probably.

Don’t throw him away, he’s a living thing. -Frylock

Carl: Carl, while I don’t consider him a main character in the show or in our analogy, definitely has his place. Carl is what your inner-Shake becomes if you don’t get your shit together and become Frylock. Much like Bill Murray said of Chevy Chase, “you’ve got like a year or two where you act like a real asshole… you’ve got like two years to pull it together, or it’s permanent.” If you let you the Master Shake of your psyche take over, you’ll end up just like Carl. Or Chevy. Either way, you have a rough life ahead of you.

Aqua Teen Hunger Force – Broodwich

You think you’re gonna live forever. But you won’t. Someone’ll kill ya. Someone’ll kill ya with a knife. -Carl

As we become one with these characters, we recognize that we have reached an unfortunate moment in American pop culture history as the Cartoon Network has canceled our beloved show. Fifteen years and the longest running show on Adult Swim and the big CN is sick of it.

The final season will be called Aqua Teen Hunger Force Forever and the gang will be traveling through America providing marriage counseling to troubled couples as America has made divorce illegal. It will air Sunday, June 21, 2015 at midnight.

To say goodbye to this pillar of our society, I am recreating the Broodwich as a symbolic piece of the show’s history so that it might live on. The Broodwich episode is from very early on and I think is still my favorite one. Shake comes across an evil but delicious sandwich called the Broodwich. It is no ordinary sandwich. It has 666 meats, cheese, mayonnaise, dijon and it sets atop a bed of evil and lettuce. It has no bacon for there is no pig evil enough to be used for it. I hope you have an appetite for insanity, for each time Shake takes a bite of this sandwich he is transported to another dimension where a cyclops named Jerry tries to kill him with an axe. Much to the dismay of the evil, disembodied voice that comes with the sandwich, Shake does not want to eat the sun dried tomatoes so therefore, has not finished the sandwich. I won’t ruin it for you but… Shake dies.

Our version of this sandwich will have 6.66 types of meat. Because we don’t want to be transported to hell, now do we? The 2/3rds of a meat kind of meat is a fried egg. Because no one is ever really sure if eggs count as anything. Complete with toothpick devil horns, this sandwich will allow you to “taste the future”… or the past. Whatever.

Also, Adult Swim recently got picked up by Hulu. This shit will be on your TVs for fucking ever. Long Live Aqua Teen Hunger Force. Forever.

Editor’s Note: Below is the recipe as it appeared on Hobotrashcan.com.

Broodwich
1 devil roll (1/8 batch, recipe below)
½ chardonnay-chicken sausage, sliced lengthwise
½ beef kielbasa link, sliced lengthwise
1 oz corned beef
1 oz chicken breast
1 oz pastrami
1 oz smoked turkey
1 egg, over-easy (do not salt)
2 oz shredded white cheddar
2 tbsp mayonnaise
1 tbsp dijon mustard
a handful of spinach
2 red-tipped cocktail toothpicks
sun dried tomatoes, for garnish

Preheat oven to 375°F.

Spray a small skillet with cooking spray. Over medium heat, cook kielbasa and chicken sausage until slightly blackened. Set aside.

Cut devil roll with a sharp knife and place on a baking sheet. Place a layer of chopped spinach leaves on the bottom. Top with corned beef, chicken breast, pastrami and smoked turkey. Follow up with kielbasa and chicken sausage. Top with cheese.

Bake in oven for 10 minutes.

Remove from oven, top with fried egg. Spread the top of the roll with mayonnaise and dijon mustard.

Close the roll and place 2 red toothpicks where the horns should be. Serve next to a pile of sun dried tomatoes.

Don’t eat the sun dried tomatoes. Serve to someone other than yourself.

Devil Rolls (red velvet hoagie rolls)
adapted from The Kitchen Whisperer
1½ cup warm water, divided
2 tbsp sugar
1 tbsp active dry yeast
4 cups bread flour
1 tsp salt
3 tbsp butter, cold, cubed
2 tbsp red velvet emulsion

In the bowl of your stand mixer, stir together the yeast, sugar and ⅓ cup warm water. Let set for 10 minutes. (It’ll be all foamy and weird.)

Attach the dough hook to the stand mixer. Add in the bread flour and turn the mixer on low. Mix for 4 minutes. Add in salt.

Mix for another 3 minutes. Add in butter and emulsion. Mix for another 4 minutes. It should be ball-like. If it’s not sticking together, add a little more flour (a tbsp at a time).

Spray a large bowl with cooking spray. Remove dough and place in bowl. Cover with a piece of plastic wrap and cover with a damp towel. Set in a warm place for an hour. Bread should double in size.

Punch down the dough. Remove from the bowl and work into a long link. Cut it in half. Then cut those in half. Then cut those

in half. Shape your 8 pieces into hoagie rolls. Transfer to a cooking sprayed and parchment-lined baking sheet. Allow to rise for another hour.

Preheat oven to 375°F. Bake for 20 minutes or until slightly browned on top.

Allow to cool.